Is it possible to have the perfect mix of working, mothering, and self care? Is work/life balance actually an achievable goal? And is balance really the way we should be approaching all of this?

 We are surrounded with articles and social media telling us that as mothers we are currently taking the brunt of the extra work and stress of coronavirus, while also being told we that we should find our ‘work/life balance’. Simultaneously telling us that we’re doing too much, while also implying there is a magic formula out there that allows us to spend just the right amount of time on each of the endless tasks we are faced with on a daily basis. 

All this confusing messaging can leave us not only feeling overwhelmed with all we need to do but also feeling guilty that we haven’t found the perfect balance in our lives, along with the constant feeling that we’re only ever doing everything in half measures. (As I write this I’m sat in the kids bathroom running their bath, I am also remembering the laundry I haven’t finished doing, nagging my children to finish their dinner, thinking about my next virtual teaching and texting with a client who needs some support). 

What if it’s not about magically reducing our daily mental load or finding some mythical ‘balance’. What, instead, if it’s about choosing where we place our focus and attention at any one time. And accepting that we can’t do everything all at once. 

Our ability to pay attention is a finite resource, think of it as a spotlight. We can only shine it on so much or it becomes increasingly dim. We need to be ok with choosing to focus our attention, and ok with (temporarily) ignoring things. 

Those moments where we feel pulled in a hundred directions, and that we are failing at everything we are doing, those are signs you’re focusing on too much. Pick some things, for now, that you are going to concentrate on. And realise that you can shift your focus in the future on to different things!

All of this is especially true right now. We are living through an exceptional and unprecedented time. We are being asked to focus on a million things: we are not just raising families but also acting as their teachers, the only social contact they have, handling our children’s fears and uncertainties around coronavirus. 

 So right now, in 2020, don’t strive for balance, it doesn’t exist. Look at your life, see what needs your attention right now in this moment and focus on that. You’re not giving anything up or throwing anything away; you’re prioritising what’s important right now in the knowledge that you are more than the sum of what you are focusing on in

Socially (connected, physically) Distancing during Covid 19

I understand the worry parents have about their kids being so isolated currently, from worrying that they’re lonely and sad because they can’t see their friends to worrying that they’re missing out on crucial social development by being in the house. The first thing I want everyone to realise is that the interactions you have everyday with you child are actually the main source of what they need, and that even in the ‘normal’ world children (especially younger children) get the majority of their social development and interactions from us. And this is true even if ‘us’ is just one parent and one child. Young children especially can find too much social time with too many people overwhelming. The importance of peers doesn’t start to come into play until elementary school age and even then it’s not until middle school that peers start to overtake parents as the main source of social enjoyment and interaction (and the good news is that by this age kids have got really good at communicating in a million different ways with the friends!)

So, give yourself a break and dial back some of that worry and guilt!

The second thing I think all parents really need to hear is that screens are not evil and bad! The majority of research referring to screen time is looking almost exclusively at TV rather than tablets and there isn’t a large body of research evaluating the impact of tablets with interactive apps and video calling on children. I think it’s reasonable to assume (especially during lock down) that social interaction in any form is better than no social interaction. So encouraging your child to video call with family and friends or play interactive games where they can chat while playing can be positive enriching experiences. 

Don’t feel guilty if the majority of your child’s social interaction are happening through a screen!

The final thing I think parents probably want to hear are actual practical suggestions on ways to be social and help their child feel less isolated. I’ve broken suggestions down by age but obviously they build on each other, so school age children can try everything suggested from babies upwards. 

Babies - video calls (keep these brief and uncomplicated - maybe only one or two people at a time - try to time it when baby is fed and engaged)

Toddlers - video chatting (they are now old enough to understand the rhythms of conversation even if they don’t have that many words), simple online games (peek a boo, singing together, eye spy), virtual hide and seek, virtual stories, online groups (music classes, baby yoga etc)

Preschoolers - online classes (can probably manage slightly more structured classes like online art class), set up email/text even if it’s just emojis or photos being shared (this can be good for quieter/introverted children that find face to face interactions less fun/more overwhelming), Facebook groups for their preschool class or friend group, group video chats (I would limit these to 3-4 kids at a time!)

School age - find safe ways to game together (Minecraft realms), texting or emailing each other, may be old enough to understand social distancing and bike ride or scoot safely with a friend, it’s important to give them space to chat with their friends in private, sending letters to friends or family members and asking for responses. 

Remember that there are lots of different ways we can interact with other people even if we can’t see them face to face! We can help our kids stay socially connected even whilst we physically distance.